Jasmine W.

Bio

Forgiveness

I have a family member who is very controlling. Anytime I made a decision, she would guilt trip me into making the decision she wanted me to make. I felt owed her because when I was younger she helped my family out when we were in need. 

Our relationship dynamic has always been one-sided.  Around her, we ate her favorite foods, we talked about what she wanted to talk about, we did the things she wanted to do. My loyalty to her was unmatched. No matter what event or what she needed I was there. She was good at setting boundaries. But she left no space for me within our relationship. 

 I left Memphis when I was 21. Since leaving, I completed college, got married, lived in three different cities, and, then, divorced. God’s plan for my life would bring me back. I returned when I was 32 and knew my experience would be different because now I was grown. But my move was accompanied by other feelings: fear, anxiety, and overwhelm. I was accustomed to putting everyone before me. I wasn’t sure if I was interested in living that life again.

One day my car broke down, my engine blew out, right after a long day at work. I needed someone to pick me up, so I called my sister. She was at work. I called a friend. She didn’t answer. Then, I called my Godmother. She was the last one I called. She always said, “Call me if you need me”. She used to get upset at times when I didn’t. So I called. When she answered the phone I told her what happened. She deep sighed, then said, “I’m sleepy.” She ended up calling her husband, and they came and got me. I waited two hours for them to arrive. They live 15 minutes away from where I broke down. When they arrived, she looked at me, shook her head, and asked what I did to the car. I was calm on the outside but hurting on the inside. I called her because she told me to. Now, I need her and here she is blaming me. 
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When I was younger, I thought my Godmother and I shared a special bond. But moving back I noticed it was around her that my anxiety would flare. I don’t know if it was having time away or just being older and being more in touch with myself, but I knew that I didn’t want to live like this anymore. I pride myself on being selfless, but I no longer wanted to do this at my own expense. I felt like she kept treating me like I was the young girl I was before I left. But I’m not her anymore. I’m grown.

I’m still figuring out what my boundaries are with her and how to navigate the relationship. It’s been hard. I’ll establish a boundary, and she’ll cross it, repeatedly. I’ve decided that this is a relationship worth fighting for, so I’m going to keep at it. But boundaries must exist. They are an act of self-care and self-respect, and I’m learning to care for and respect myself.